I'm trash and therefore should be treated as such,
thank you all and have a lovely day.

Hey all, I finally started slacking on the journal whoops.

Whatev life= good.
Things are always changing as always.
yet thats good in a sense.
I feel like I've learned so much. I'm trying to be a nicer person and I feel better for it. So thats good, I really don't have much to say.

Life is uhh yea.

family is a wreck...

So if anyone wants to get me out of the house at anytime call,txt or aim me. I'm more than willing to have some fun lol.

So I woke up today and went to brush my teeth like normal. I starred blantently out the window at the yard, then right before me a humming bird (my favorite bird) flies up to the window. It was amazing and I got so excited and I couldn't stop smiling. It made my day. Then I went to work and besides that the rest of my day sucked. I feel wicked blessed though and now I have a sense of hope that maybe I already know my answers.

I also took a movie home from work with my Ewan McGregor( my secret love affair) It's really liberal and most people would prolly pass out. It's about a rock stars life that faked his own death. Deals with everything your basic sex,drugs and rock n'roll only with bi sexuality and vintage british 60's pop culture.

Ewan in the movie reminds me of Cobain a lot with his physical features and the way he sings.
In a odd way I'm inspired even though it makes me feel sad.

Erik's b-day was yesterday, so we celebrated with improv games and swimming. We pretended to be pirates and Julie and I kicked some male ass since its bad luck for women to be on the sea lol. Then everyone went to the drive. I had to work. It was really fun though and I didn't want to leave really. I love my friends.

And tomorrow me and my amazing Gram are gunna chill. I'm really bonding with her. It's so weird but its like she can understand exactly where I come from. And she doesn't chastise me for the choices I've made and she trusts my judgement and that I learn from my mistakes if thats what you call them. I don't think mistakes are possible. Since everything is meant to happen it has to happen. So you can be a hint closer to the perfection that ppl can never attain but still lol.

Yea I'm done now yay!

Current Location: my heaven and your hell.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: Stadium Arcadium

Wow
Wow
Wow

I cut my hair and I love it. Just the only prob is freakin guys suck and now I want a body guard. Or a better knife watever gets the freakin job done lol.

So I got a car of my own for now. I'm test trying it to see if i want to keep it.

I'm living on my own now for the week anyway. Totally rocks being able to do whatever the hell I want, when I want. Yesterday me and some friends went to the drive inns then went gorcery shopping at 3 in the damn morning.

Work has been good. If it weren't for Jim though I would be dead pretty much.
Oh yea and I'm dying the hair dark brown and putting blue tips for ozzfest ow ow totally pumped.

Speaking of I haven't slept all day. I should try that pretty soon. I have been forfeiting sleep for fun but hell why not. Only live once. I find that is my summer motto lol.

So yea thats my life ifou care to know and even if you don't so
later.

I feel so much better. I have come to terms with myself that I'm human and I'm allowed to enjoy myself.
I no longer feel any shame. I love my amazing friends all of them.

I'm happy with this new side to myself and I feel like I've grown as a person and I have no regrets. I was dealing with all these religous qualms and how they didn't match up with my choices. Yet now I realise that it's not about living by the rules. It's about following your heart even if that means breaking the supposed man made rules.

I don't hate myself
I'm not scared
I can face you and the world.

I'm just really amazed at how much my friends love and support me.

So many thoughts.
How can I face you? I can't even face myself. I'm forcing ignorance, to hide my shame. I feel unloved,a waste, numb and morbid.

How can I change things?
I feel disgraced, how could I be so open?

I'm not hurt I don't care I'm numb. How could I be so careless? Does this mean I'm heartless?
So many questions were answered. So many new things learned and discovered.

Why did I discover this part of myself?
I don't deserve anything. I'm completly shutdown and it's going to take a lot for me to open back up.

I guess I need to come to certain terms with myself. I need to make my faith stronger.

And so many wonderful things are going to happen, either I need to front some form of joy or idk.
I miss the horses they always help me connect with God's rhythum.

I just wanna fucking punish myself. I haven't felt like this for year.

I just feel distant in my own way. This is the time I usually push ppl away when I need them the most.
I need God.

Erik=Incredible.

I'm loving life. I feel so comfortable it's great.
Even though I really should be getting in the shower and ready for work haha. I can't wait for next week 4th of July! Then Erik, me, Jules and Scott are going to the beach! I haven't been to the beach since last summer but still it's a long time and I miss it.
I can just see Erik and Scott now haha. It's gunna be great. Sooo Excited.

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: chilli peppers lol

Well I basically lived at Jules this week.
Last night Jules,Scott, Erik and I went to the Drive inns.Life is amazing and yea. I can't really focus at all today. All I know is I'm so happy and I feel blessed.
Life happens when you least expect it, I've learned.

I love my life and the people in it.
I loved star gazing and knowing I'm loved and wanted. I love being in love.

Current Location: my house actually
Current Mood: enthralled
Current Music: Techno

Ok I'm officially happy. It's been a staggering 9 months since I've gone to Joe's. I love his yard its a field and trail riders come through on there horses. so naturally Becca and I freak and make friends with the riders haha.

It was so great the guys are absoulutly insane!
I'm surprised that no one got severly hurt.

Joe,Erik,Sam,and Byer decided hey lets get lighter fluid and bottle rockets and see what happens.
Let alone Joe's dad was asleep and his Mom was out- they ended up pooring lighter fluid all over the drive way and lit it and set toy cars through it, then one of the cars caught fire as Joe's mom came to pull in....... :( I think it was Sam decided oh I'll kick it into the yard (rolls eyes) So we all ran away. Byer was the only one who thought to keep the hose handy. Then we had fireworks that was fun.

Then Byer had a winch hooked up to his car and we had Sam run halfway through the yard to see how fast it could wind back.lol

I love them though. It was the best day for the pool though of course the guys get all rowdy when swimming. so Jules and I decided to wait till night and go for a serenity swim. Then Scott and Erik came out to join us.Erik cracks me up he's like guys lets skinny dip haha while he's shivering.The water was cold at first but then once u got in outside seemed colder. Then Sam came out and ruined the peacefulness so we got out.
Jules and I stayed as late as we could before morning hit. Then we went back to her house. Then we made pasta at 1am. I love her so much and her Mom's amazing she is so earth oriented and is so blessed by nature and signs it's amazing.

I also started work it's so great. I like my co workers there really nice. Anyway I can't wait for this week-Drive inns YES!

Current Location: a place
Current Mood: amused